I don't like SMORGASBORDS.

I don't like food touching on the plate. I am not one of those people who enjoys loading up a forkful of tasty tidbits from all over the plate and shoveling it into my gob. I nearly always eat the green stuff first, often with my fingers, and then do the rest of the veg and then the meat. I never load a fork. Please don't send me links to nutter sites, I know!

Buffets or Smorgasbords are the stuff of nightmares for me. I flew into Manchester UK for a teacher thing and stayed at the venue. They had a ONLY buffet food. I was on my own so was not distracted by conversation and against my better judgement I sat looking at the tables of food.

I watched as small kids kept coming up to the pudding counter and plunging their fingers and then their whole hands into the stuff. I nearly puked. Needless to say I had no pudding and I spent the rest of the evening wondering if they had similarly contaminated any of the other stuff I had actually eaten. I don't remember learning anything at the conference, but all this is crystal clear.

So apart from the contamination issue and the laziness issue - the need to go back to the food tables to get a new plate after every different bit of food has been tasted, there is also the greed watching issue.

In 2004 when Stevie and I were in the Maldives for Christmas, the buffet tables were loaded with all manner of exotic fruits for breakfast. I think it was Stevie's first sighting of a passionfruit and he just bloody loved 'em. So every morning he'd help himself to one, and if he fancied, he'd haul arse up and get anothery a bit later on, perhaps after coffee. There was plenty of food and there was no chance of running out, but still we watched people pile up their plates with so many halved passionfruits that they were literally waterfalling off the plates onto the floor, where they were unceremoniously kicked under tables out of the way.  The greed was appalling.

It was the year the tsunami and earthquake rocked Indonesia and all places across the Indian Ocean. Our little bit of paradise was washed away. We were lucky to be able to  cling onto a tree and when the water levels rose and fell and rose and fell, the devastation was complete. Electricity, plumbing, sewerage, communications were all fucked. But the island population was ok if a little beaten up except for the poor poor father who had chosen to go fishing. He never returned.

Your imagination could not possibly match the disgusting antics of the passionfruit hoarders, when faced with the crisis of limited everything. Some people risked life and limb by climbing into destroyed villas to steal all the grog from the minibars and then just pickled themselves waiting for the rescue boats to come, and others stockpiled bottled water and boiled rice and then took to shitting close to their barricaded areas, so as to not run the risk of anyone being as fucking selfish as they were, and nicking a water bottle.

It really was a demonstration of the worst and best humanity has to offer.

How people handle themselves at a smorgasbord tells you a great deal about 'em

There is a bounty of side-effects from the poison meds I take - yep quite the buffet.

• Headaches
• Itchy skin everywhere, and I do mean EVERYWHERE! Ouch!
• Lesions and adult acne
• Aching everywheres (not always the same spot - fingers, wrists, feet, hips)
• Stomach cramps that make your eyes water.
• Constipation
• Diarrhea - not at the same time as the constipation, obviously
• Nausea
• Debilitating tiredness
• Insomnia - stupid combo with the tireds.
• Foggy brain - no surprise given the tireds and no sleep
• Swollen dry eyes 
• Hair thinning
• Mouth ulcers

There are common worse things but thankfully I have not been troubled by them so I am not tempting fate by listing them here.

Here's the thing though, at least if you go to a smorgasbord, you get to choose what goes on your plate, but everyday here is an adventure cos you just never know ..... 'Life is like a box of chocolates' and all that. 

Some days are good 'uns cos only one or 2 irritations rear their ugly heads and other days there are so many that I am reminded of those overflowing plates and I hope for a less greedy day tomorrow. 

Some days I open a tentative eye and am relieved to feel normal - whatever that is these days - I guess it's when I don't feel the need to whinge too loudly to Stevie about anything - poor bastard also gets the dubious pleasure of opening that box of sweeties everyday not knowing what is coming his way. Lucky he's not diabetic I reckon.